I keep having terrible nightmares, including my ex dying, twice now. I feel as if something terrible is about to happen.
The music inside my head is sinister. It speaks of razor blades and darkness.
The reason Heath Ledger dying affected me so much:
a) he was 28. a little more than a year older than me. it could have been me when I was
taking prescription pills. It could have been anyone I know. it freaks me out.
b) I didn’t know him, I wasn’t in love with him and I wasn’t his biggest fan. In fact, I rarely thought of him, unless I liked a movie he was in. But I didn’t expect it, and it doesn’t seem real.
c) again, life is short. Last night I was thinking about what if my husband dies. I was picturing every scenario. Crying in the middle of the apartment unable to move. Losing my job. Freaking out and doing a whole bunch of drugs, Belushi-style. Intervention coming and getting me. I feel as if I honestly could not go on without him. He’s my best friend. *mush*
d) It could be my family. Another thing that lulled me to sleep before the nightmares started was thinking about what I would do if my dad died. I didn’t even get started on my mom or my sister.
Death is so sudden and unexpected. We never think about it until it happens, like we have this inner cheesecloth keeping us from dwelling on what *could* happen any moment. None of us are guaranteed any longer than right now. This moment.
(The moment’s already passed, yeah it’s gone…)
We (the royal we) worry about the future more than we appreciate now. We have no idea what’s next. We don’t know if any one of our religions is true. We don’t know if we all just have pieces of the shattered stained glass. Ignorance. We could turn into nothingness, the ultimate Zen, lack of anything but being one with everything. We could come back as butterflies and plants, other people. We could be raised up to one of the three LDS kingdoms. One with Sun, one with the Moon, one with only stars. We could be separated forever from our loved ones or we could find that this life was only a step in an ongoing process. We could create universes. We could find everyone we ever knew.
We just don’t know! And that’s what disturbs me. I like to know. It’s hard enough being stuck in this realm with a veil over our eyes, not knowing whether to talk to God or his atheistic protagonist.
Which is why young death freaks me the fuck out. I’m not ready to die. I live my life as if I am guaranteed a future. What if I’m not! I’m not prepared for that knowledge!