I’m not sure at what point I finally realized, “oh my god, this is my life we’re dealing with here, why would I squander it!” But at some time in the recent past I stopped playing the game society always wanted me to play. I stopped faking it for interviews I didn’t fit into. I stopped applying to jobs that made me cringe when I read the descriptions. I stopped trying to be something I am not: a nine-to-five office worker biding my time until the next paycheck, which I always ended up spending no matter how high or low the figure.
I’ve finally come to the conclusion that every step I take now leads me to where I will be tomorrow. Give up on writing and music, end up not having done anything with writing and music. Put my time into cranking out excel spreadsheets, earn more time cranking out excel spreadsheets. There’s no chute that will spit me out into the future having “earned” my cred as an employee elevated to the status of having paid her dues.
I’ve come to this conclusion gradually over time, after having survived two whole years without a nine-to-five or forty-hour-a-week desk job. Granted, I work many more hours than forty on some weeks. But for me.
I try to remain relatively obscure for many reasons. One being that I am working on exactly what my piece to say to the world is. Two being that I am still learning where I fit in and creating my niche. Three being that I’m not sure there exists any place I do fit – I may just have to blaze a brand-new trail, and that’s a little freaky.
I’ve got my jackhammers and my explosives all lined up and I’m waiting for the right opportunity to blow this whole thing out of the ocean. I’m spreading power lines down all the unlit avenues and shining my flashlight into dark and haunted alleyways looking for the cure, or at least a way to slow down the progression of this disease called destiny.
Back to my main point. I got tired of trying to squeeze into the straight jacket willingly. And then realized that no one is really asking me to squeeze into the straight jacket, it’s just a route that so many people take because they’re afraid of not having money, of putting themselves out there, of making changes. And if I’m going to be any different I have to take the leap, keep trying, keep putting my stuff out there for the universe, building a magnetic pull through which the opportunities can grow larger.
First, I’ve got to rip the initial hole in the fabric, stick myself through the crevice I’ve fashioned and stand up on the other side. It’s all dark over there but each success creates a pinpoint of light to connect the dots. The final product a constellation unique to whoever molded it from scratch, not something that can be replicated or torn down easily.