Tag Archives: freedom

It’s Enough. Or Is It?

I was reading an article (The Imposter Phenomenon in High Achieving Women) about Imposter Syndrome and remembering again that it totally applies to me.

No matter how much I do, I feel like it’s not enough. I’ve done six performances in the past two or so months, more than I did last year. I’ve been meeting tons of artists, and just a bunch of cool peeps in general. But yet, I sit there thinking, “I haven’t done enough. I’m bored. There’s not enough going on.”

It’s been a little over two months since my life completely changed and I became a person on my own again. Freedom comes at a price–in this case, it’s the price of ten years of hard work and dedication to one person.

It sucks, making choices. No one can ever give you a road map that circles right and wrong and points in the exact direction you need to go.

But what does this mean for art? I was talking to a friend who is going through the exact same thing and we were talking about how in the beginning of the transition from married to single it’s excitement and shock and stress and who knows what. Then that settles down. She said, “It’s back to boring life. No more excitement. But you have your music, that’s your life line. I have my book. That’s mine.”

It’s true, music, and especially writing, continue to be my lifeline. But I can’t quantify them. I don’t measure myself on the societal scale everyone else seems to measure themselves on, i.e., if I have x amount of readings/performances, that means that I’m that amount closer to y. Who knows what I’m closer to or farther from. Who knows what will take place in the next couple of years.

I spent my twenties in the life of a more grown up person. Married, settled, pretty stable, going from one job to the next. I feel like I just came out of a tunnel into…my twenties again, take two, but now I’m 31. Only I look like I’m twenty-something, so that’s a plus, I guess.

I always pictured more…something in my life. More travel, more shows, more musicians, more excitement. But don’t we all? Is this all something we’ve grown to expect through media? Probably. Our brains have been blitzed out by the tube from childhood on. We overlook subtle every day beauty and life, as some random guy was telling me outside a coffee shop this morning, once we turn into teenagers. But you look at a child and they’re like, “Ooo, butterfly!”

***

I was napping today to the tune of someone hammering on the roof, children laughing and a BBQ outside. My room is in the middle of this cluster of Victorians that meet in their backyards. Naps are good. This nap was one of those ones where everything runs through your head, like a shuffle of the week’s events being put into file boxes in your brain.

I thought about how this week I talked with two different people about awesome music I’d never heard of before, and about the way we write our own music. I went to the lake with a new girlfriend, watched a meteorite shower, had crappy diner food with people two nights in a row, performed an hour set at a bar in front of a bunch of people I don’t know, finished my tattoo, worked on a new song, spoke at a meeting about being sober, got some poetry and a non-fiction story accepted to an online magazine I’m the contributing editor for, fixed my road bike and rode it everywhere I could, even around Lake Merritt with a girl friend, walked with another girl friend partially around the lake…on top of my normal library shifts, etc. I even went to Lip Service West to hear my friend Josh read, and saw a bunch of writer friends and heard some awesome stories.

And here I was, feeling sorry for myself because I felt lonely and bored and like I didn’t do enough.

***

It is so hard to practice positivity instead of negativity for me, but somehow I keep swinging back to positivity, even if I spend two weeks mired in the gloom. Who the hell knows what will happen for me in the next couple months or years. Nothing has been easy, but sometimes, like I said before, it’s the hardest times that are the best times. And the hardest times shake us up so we have to change.

I wanted freedom, I got it. Be careful what you wish for. I should change the No Regrets tattoo on my wrist to No Expectations. Because I still have a lot of regrets, but I’m learning to let go of expectations for how my life will pan out and what/who will be there on the stage with me.

Program Yourself to Be Your Own Self

I’m trying to convey a message on this blog, which is this–

You don’t have to tune in to mainstream media. You have more control over your dreams than think. No one else is going to give you permission to be yourself, only you.

Stop waiting for permission to be free.

You can follow your passion at your own pace on your own terms. And please, follow your passions if you feel this is the core of you, that if it were torn out or taken away you would wither.

You can grow your dreams slowly, over time, like tilling the soil before setting in the seeds and patting them over with a bit of dirt.

You may not be able to control what size they are, or which takes root. That’s the thing about dreams. They aren’t necessarily static.

And what turns out can be seemingly random. The orchid in the corner you threw water on once in a while might suddenly burst into life making you scratch your head and go, “What the —-?”

And some just won’t take at all. But you’ll learn what works and what doesn’t. And you will have to keep trying. You can’t sit on your butt and wait for things to happen.

We’re filled up to the ears from the time we are taught to read and glue our eyes to the tube about the Carnegies and the Rockefellers of the world, the Mozarts and the Elvis Presleys. Well, I’m sorry, but we’re not them. And we won’t ever be them. You can only be you; I can only be me.

The typical American movie goes something along the lines of he was born into (insert blank). He worked his way up. He was discovered. He arrived. Now he’s happy because he has fame, adulation and cash.

Or if you follow the VH1 path, the person was discovered, got into drugs, almost lost it all and then came back to play a reunion show to a sold out crowd.

Well la-de-dah, right?

But we’re all affected by it. Deprogramming yourself is hard. You’re trained from birth to want more than what you have. To feel that if you had that thing over there, everything would be so much better. If I were pretty like her, I would be happy. If I were wealthy like him, I would be happy. If I “make it big,” then I will be happy.

Cease and desist. What the hell do you want? I’m talking to myself, I’m talking to you drifters, wanderers, musicians, writers–whatever you are, be it for you and work on being it right now.

What if you could pick a packed out stadium or one broken life inspired. They’re not really mutually exclusive, but think about it. Which would you choose? What is your motivation?

Have you ever wondered if going to Hollywood (Not that I don’t love me some Hollywood at times, but let’s think of this as a concept, not necessarily a place) and making it big just might not be your answer?

Yes?

Well then, you’ve come to the right place. The answer then, is to start where you are. With what you have. In this moment.

What motivates you? External things? Internal things? Both? Good! You’re just like the rest of us.

Do you want to “make it big” so that other people will tell you how awesome you are? Will that fill the need to be somebody, be something?

Probably not.

Maybe briefly, but not forever. Look around you. I bet you have a bunch of friends and family (fans) who keep you tuned up when times are tough and tell you you’re good at what you do. Don’t lose them. It’s easy to do. Especially if you do succeed in the American way. It is so easy to lose focus. You need a core group of people to keep you real, not a caravan of sycophants telling you what you want to hear. It’s easy to fall when you’ve got no one telling you the truth.

And tell me, because I often wonder myself, why is 1,000 people better than 1?

Is it the validation? What makes having a million fans more exciting than just a few? The popularity? Do we really always need more to be better? Do we feel like if others don’t admire or appreciate our talents they aren’t real? (Sometimes I do.)

Ah, wait. I remember. It’s the capitalistic model. We have to put bread on the table. We need a roof over our heads. In order to be a success we’ve got to do this for a living.

Right?

I don’t think so. But I’m not famous. And I do this to live. Not to make loads of money. (Although I wouldn’t balk if I were to get paid more for the creative things I do do for money.)

I’m just trying to get you to think.

At the end of Into the Wild, Chris McCandless writes in his journal, “Happiness only real when shared.”

Is this true? Or can you be happy when you’re alone and inspired and then in turn decide  to share it with others?

I believe we can have happiness alone but we don’t always want happiness alone. We want to share it and we want it shared with us. And that is fine. But I always think it’s a good thing to look at the foundation we’re standing on, make sure it isn’t cracked and parched. I don’t believe you can be whole without making yourself whole first, just like you can’t draw water from an empty well.

My final point is:

Write what you want to read.

Play what you want to hear.

If you can’t write it or play it yourself, collaborate with people who can help you manifest it.

A lot of things you don’t think are possible are possible.

I have lived many different lives already and so have you.

On another quantum plane, I am doing something different. And because I have an imagination, I can grow my own life. It may not turn out to be perfect, it never does, but I will definitely learn from it. And if you’re not learning, you’re not really alive, are you?

Nobody Can Keep You From Being You, Except You.

Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t do what you love. That’s my biggest pet peeve. In all my working life, I always thought the problem was that I just couldn’t fit in. It’s true, I don’t fit well into standard jobs and they make me feel miserable. But I’ve found niches. They are out there. And all of the jobs I hated paved the way for the work I am doing now. Each skill set I gained from working for someone else has helped me get better at working for myself.

Recently, I took a direction that wasn’t quite right. I lost faith in my abilities and started a stressful part-time job. It caused me to have to work seven days a week and I was a monster to those around me.

I got really sick for a few weeks. While I was sick, I sat on the couch and I submitted a ton of poetry to various counter-culture pubs I actually like reading. I also sent my resume and writing samples out to a bunch of different websites I liked and some writing gig ads.

As a result, I’ve had six poems accepted in small indie mags for publication and am working full-time on writing projects.

I share my experiences finding my own niche, because I know that there are probably a ton of people out there that feel like they should take a crap job due to the bad economy, consigning themselves to drudgery for the time being. I found out that the only person consigning me to drudgery was me. Because the economy was rough and I had already lost so much, I had nothing to lose. And I’ve gained the most important thing back, for now. My autonomy.

Taking the stressful part-time job didn’t help me or anyone else around me. Instead, it cause me to be hurtful to my friends and husband.

I felt that I had to take the part-time job (I say part-time, but it was around 36 hours a week of my schedule, on-site, on my feet, in addition other freelance work) because it was the only way to give back to my husband and be validated by society. I felt “normal” for a time, because I had a “real” job. Many people don’t know what freelance writing is, or how people make a career out of it. I am finding that if you are reliable and a good worker with a knack for words, you can totally make a living from it if you are willing to work hard and hang around other people like yourself for motivation.

Once I quit, I got projects that paid. The only one holding me back was me and my lack of faith in my abilities.

I feel that the hard periods of our lives smooth us out and make us the bad-asses that we end up being if we don’t give up.  I want to hear your success stories, if you’re out there. What is holding you back? What are you afraid of?