Tag Archives: goals

2012 on The Stifled Artist

Well folks, it’s the end of 2012. Today is the very last day of this year. It’s hard not to be at the end of a year without reflecting on where one has been and what one has been doing during the past 365 days.

A year ago, I was very driven, in reflection. I had spent the previous year sending out poetry and stories to be published in small indie publications and I had pitched articles for big magazines, retail magazines and small regional magazines. I got more published in the past two years than I had in my entire life. Dozens of poems, stories and articles. I was also writing for a local newspaper and had my own column. I started a kickstarter project so that I could start recording some songs I’d been working on for the previous few years. I was auditioning for bands as lead singer. I was also training heavily for the Russian kettlebell sport.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t be a star freelance writer, non-fiction writer, musician and kettlebell athlete all at once. The people around me whom I admired usually had one focus in their lives. If they were writers, they did writing. If they were musicians, they did music. If they were kettlebell athletes, kettlebell was what they focused on.

I had my foot in so many worlds. It was fun for a while, but then I got super burnt out. I spent the early part of 2012 traveling to kettlebell competitions, working heavily on a music project where the goal was a ten-song album, and trying to market myself as a writer in order to procure more writing work, all while working at the library twenty hours a week or more.

Then, after a freelance assignment in Seattle and Portland, my marriage ended, based on a mutual decision between me and my husband of nine years.

In the aftermath, I played more shows than I ever had before. I immersed myself in a community of writers, artists and musicians, moved back to Oakland, reduced my stress load, started living completely within my means on a very limited budget so I didn’t have to work more than the minimum for someone else.

I dropped the kettlebell competitions and pitching any freelance writing articles in lieu of focusing on my transition from married to single. I also decided I needed to pick one art form for the time being to be favored: Music. Writing would remain an outlet, but without the pressure of immediate publication.

***

Sometimes, I wonder what the hell I’m doing. I want to travel, I want to work with more musicians until my songs sound like I hear them in my head, I want to go on small tours with a band and eventually, I want to work entirely for myself.

I’ve managed to create a life that is more conducive to my happiness. I climbed up through years of misery working 9 to 5′s and focusing on money, money, money, so I don’t need to explore that anymore, though I do have some student loan debts hanging over my head. I’d rather have less money and more time. I’ve always been that way. The pressure from society to slave away for future happiness is out of control.

I’m not really sure what I’m doing now, aside from just working towards more. More music, more solid positive friendships, more acceptance and enjoyment of every day life, more peace and space.

It is so hard not to compare myself to others more driven, like I was last year, and people who don’t struggle with some of the mental shit I struggle with, like depression and anxiety, weird nervous system issues, etc., but overall, I’m strong and talented and capable, just very impatient. I get anxious I’ll die tomorrow without achieving the basic goals I’ve been working on for years, but am finally learning to focus instead of bemoaning what I don’t have.

If I’ve learned anything this past year, it’s that I can take small steps to change my circumstances once I’ve made up my mind, and that I can succeed in my goals if I have goals to begin with, and am patient.

***

How has your past year been artistic endeavor wise? What are you struggling with? What have you achieved? What are your goals in the New Year for your art?

Perfectionism

I decided last week I need some accountability on this blog. I’m going to update every week on Mondays and Thursdays, to impose some sort of routine here. And so that you can expect to read something at those times.

Aside from that, I’ve been contemplating the artist’s dark passenger (to use a phrase from Dexter): Perfectionism.

I can’t quite be eloquent on the topic as of this moment, I caught a bad cough/cold on my LA road trip and am suffering through it (plus, I have to work today, as I’m out of sick time, joy!)

But I’ve been looking back through archives of the past and finding that a lot of time, I wanted something very badly, but I was too insecure to go after it, or just simply didn’t put the work in because I didn’t want to make a mistake. I held back due to overbearing perfectionism.

Not to say I didn’t spend hours working on craft. I did that. But for some reason, I was content to WANT something, and had no idea how to channel my work into the ends I was hoping for.

A lot of it could be chalked off to youth…

I accidentally left the tape recorder running when I was in the practice space the other day, and caught about thirty minutes of me messing around on different songs. When I listened back, I noticed something. In the practice space, if I made a mistake on one song, I would quit the song and move on to the next.

I don’t do this at home, when no one is able to hear me. Something about thinking people might be listening made me want to be perfect, totally freezing up if I made one little mistake.

I can’t help but feel there is a key here to overcoming the barriers in my way. If I accept that I am (and I certainly am) a human being, and make mistakes, then I can move on to the part when I share my music with more people, instead of tirelessly working to make it absolutely perfect before sharing it with anyone else.

Granted, I have been sharing with musicians I’ve bumped into hither and thither lately, tiny baby steps for mankind here. But mostly, I’ve been working on the same songs over and over again until I feel they are glitch free.

I will have to forfeit the practice space when my friend gets back from tour in two weeks, totally not excited about letting go of the PA system and the space to just be loud as I want. I’ve been able to realize the sound I’ve been trying to realize since I was about 19, just by digging up some heavier (newer and older) songs, being able to plug in the electric and put a little bit of reverb on the amp.

***

I’ve been sitting a bit on my creative projects. I have a few goals, but I haven’t really rolled them off the table yet. I’d like to book some more shows, to play my newer songs, but not until these songs are finished(two weeks anyone?) I’d also like to submit more writing to different publications, but I’m in limbo with a couple of essays and the poetry has dried up for now.

That being said, it looks like I’m in creative mode, and need to just continue working. Perfectionism is helpful if you have a tinge of OCD in there, because channeling the anxiety gets the work done. But there comes a time when you need to share your work with others. Since my whole life has been uprooted as of late, I was giving myself a bit of a breather to get my bearings, but I’m finding that the writing and music are about all I have keeping me sane at this point. There are cool people in my life, but people they come and go.

I’m not sure if it’s my perfectionism keeping me stuck lately, or if the universe is just working on spitting out better connections (I freaking hope that’s the case!). I feel like there is more work I need to do, that I’m kind of stuck in a grind and being a bit isolative in general, not wanting to adopt any religion or program or cliche that will distract me from my own purpose here, but always looking for some sort of validation from other people as a default, having to turn around and constantly remember to validate myself instead.

Stay on the Roller Coaster. It’s Your Life.


I was having a conversation with my husband today in the car: we were talking about how hard it is to move forward when you’re stuck in a (comfortable) rut. I’ve been trying to focus on expanding my writing from within the niche that I get paid to write in, but have ended up instead being all over the place and spinning my wheels. I’ve been thinking so hard my head hurts and working so much I’m straight up burnt out. Yet, I can’t sleep for the need to get something moving in another direction.

I’ve read so many books on the craft of writing, most of them contradictory.

The most common sense books tell it to you straight. In real life, you usually have to start small. You have to get good at a few little things, master those and then somehow, you end up reaching the next step. Not in your own time — the universe has some plan that we can’t see and it drives us all apeshit — but in its own time.

The one thing I would have told myself when I was younger is don’t give up on your writing. Don’t let it slip. Don’t listen to all the critics out there. Hone your craft, but keep going. Grow a thicker skin. Baby steps, like in the movie What About Bob?

It’s frustrating to slave away at the little stuff, but if you can’t handle the little stuff how will you be able to handle the big stuff?

As a culture in America, we people are always looking for that quick fix, that overnight success. But look at the people around you. Are they masters at everything or are they good at one thing? If they’re good at a lot of things but masters at nothing, are they well-rounded? Or are they stressed out?

I’m asking these questions myself. Is it best to be well-rounded and do a little of everything? Or is it better to specialize? I think the days of specialization are over, but that may not necessarily be a good thing. More will be revealed. Now, we are each doing so much more, yet we only have the same amount of time people have had since the dawn of time. Our jobs now demand us to be good at more than just one thing. We have to write, read, network and be social in most cases. In order to survive, we’ve had to adapt to being jack of many trades. It’s not a luxury; it’s a necessity.

I see a lot of success out there. I see a lot of people preaching about how easy it was to obtain their success. I see less people telling you straight up that it is hard out there in the trenches. You have to have a thick skin. You have to be motivated to work 12-hour days or more sometimes. And you have to believe in yourself, because at first it will seem like no one else does. The results will come, but they will take time.

So my motivation for the day is:

Keep moving ahead, do some little thing toward your goal every day. Write for five minutes. Paint a corner of your bedroom wall. Jump rope with the little kids in your neighborhood. Give the dog something horrible like an ice cream cone, just to see that look of pure adulation on its face. (Actually, don’t do that. It will just make your dog sick. Try peanut butter instead.)

Give yourself credit.

Don’t give up. Things get dark just before they get light. And visa versa. Life is one big rollercoaster ride…there’s no getting off this one. And if it’s all too much and you’re considering illegal substances, read my post on Drugs and Creativity to dissuade yourself.


What Are Your Values?

*if you keep getting old post updates, it’s because I’m editing old post tags, not because I meant to spam you!

I snabbed this from some site when I was trying to find articles about freelance writing or anything outside the annoying 9-5 cubicle jobs that seem to be the option for anyone in the world. Blech. Article

Feel free to try this yourself, whatever your M.O.

1. What’s on your nightstand? What books and magazines you’re reading can be pretty telling about what turns your crank.

Um, nightstand would be a thing I don’t keep my books on, rather the all-invasive alarm clock resides there. But the books I have on every other available surface range from disturbing Memoirs about locked-up teens and their invasive mothers, mental “issues”, life in Tehran, books on Zen, magazines like Poets and Writers, Shape, Fitness and whatever Fiction book I feel like plucking through at the time. Right now I’m struggling through Brave New World, Reading Lolita in Tehran and a memoir called Come Back. I have a happy little book I can’t touch for some reason called The Zen of Happiness, and a big reference book called “The Atlas of Depression” that’s almost due from the library.

2. Out of all your friends’ jobs, which one are you most jealous of? Why?

I don’t think I am jealous of any of my friends jobs. We’re all stuck in some version of the mundane. I’m more jealous of their freedom, their circle of friends related to their jobs or hobbies and the ones who actually own a house.

3. What’s the one thing you’ve been talking about doing forever that your friends are sick of hearing about?

Writing a Memoir. Making an album of my music. Writing a couple of ideas from my life. I guess they’d be YA books on themes from my life such as Life as a Gutter Punk, Hitchiking, Life in a Behavior-Mod program, Addiction to Painkillers. Psycho-Rock Star Ex-Boyfriends and Their Interesting Range of Girlfriend Whom You’ve Befriended in Various Forms. Eating Disorders. The kind of stuff I read about.

4. What’s the one off-the-wall, pie-in-the-sky job you’ve always wanted to try that no one knows about?

I think everyone knows about all of my off-the-wall schemings. But something that appeals to me is doing some kind of gothic sociological travel writing that allows me to brood in dark castles abroad. I’d like to write a column for a local paper, or the New York Times. I always wanted to be a Rock Star, but not in the traditional way. I want to tour coffee shops, meet real people, travel in a van painted black with an entourage of punk-gypsy free-thinkers who play electric violin, throbbing bass and jilting keyboards. One of them should be a good singer. We’d travel all over the states and sell copies of our albums at the coffee shops. This would somehow involve having a “manager” who knows every cool hole-in-the wall arthouse/coffee shop in every major and outlying city. My dog and my husband would have to come alone, I suppose, to make it more real.

5. If you could start any business or organization, or sell any service or ware, what would it be?

I want to start my own small business. It would be something involving minor outreach, selling books for donations to literacy (perhaps a cool black and red velvetty storefront with plush couches and the best espresso in the Bay Area). I would have a writing office in the back with spider plants taking over, where my cats could chill, and a yard where the dog could frolic all day. I’d have an assistant to do alot of the cold-calling and follow through. I think I’d be combining music with writing with art – some type of nonprofit/business aimed at helping people express themselves through art. There could be a room with canvases and paintbrushes, instruments, recording equipment – I’d have a couple teachers there to help people make their creative goals come alive.

It’s an etching at this time.

6. If you could work anywhere in the world, in any country or organization, where would it be? Doing what?

I always thought Witness was a cool organization. I liked the idea of One for awhile, but it seems to have turned into this celebrity-fueled tetra-headed monster. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all just sign a piece of paper to end world poverty and AIDS? Just because someone has the money to spare for certain causes doesn’t mean these are my causes. It unnerves me a bit that we can’t explore more of these other countries ourselves, find out about culture and community.

I don’t know much about any other organizations I would like to work for. If I worked for witness, I imagine I would be doing interviews, editing and reporting or reel editing.

7. If “debt,” “years,” and “practical” weren’t words in your vocabulary, what would you be doing now — besides sipping margaritas on your own tropical island?

Well, I would be writing, taking my dogs out, playing music – pretty much all the things I want to do now. I’m unstoppable. Except I would have the freedom to do these things. I would have more of a community of artists around me, and we would have tea-ins.